


Hey, gang? Quick question...

by bobbydrake



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Dad Aaron Hotchner, Drabble, Emily causes controversy, MILFs, Mostly OOC, One Shot, Team Bonding, crackfic, criminal minds crack, team as a family, this is so dumb
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-31
Updated: 2020-07-31
Packaged: 2021-03-05 20:28:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 809
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25621378
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bobbydrake/pseuds/bobbydrake
Summary: Prentiss conducts a very scientific survey with the team on a flight home. She doesn’t quite get the answers she expects. [criminal minds crackfic. slightly ooc. just for fun]
Comments: 9
Kudos: 157





	Hey, gang? Quick question...

**Author's Note:**

> based entirely off of a question i asked in a CM groupchat today

“Hey, quick question gang,” 

The atmosphere in the jet home after a successful case is always somewhat inviting. Following tragic events like the ones they experience firsthand on a daily basis, it’s only natural for them to try and ease the tension any way they can. At the sudden invasion of the comfortable silence they’ve all sunken into with Emily’s sudden request, they all turn their attention towards the brunette profiler. Reid tears his rapid gaze away from the thick volume in his hands, Derek and JJ both pull out their earbuds connected to their playlists, Hotch glances up from the case he was examining, and Garcia and Rossi both rouse themselves from their futile attempts to sneak in a quick nap. Emily grins mischievously once she realizes she’s gathered their undivided attention.

“Is Strauss a MILF or nah?”

Immediately, outrage breaks out from every corner of the plane. 

“Prentiss, that’s- that’s...I- why would you even...?” Hotch begins sharply but his voice trails off as he realizes he doesn’t possess the right words to reprimand such an insane teasing query. It’s rare to see Hotch grow so flustered and the rest of the team takes some delight in his response.

“Y’know considering her age group and the fact that her children are well past the adolescent stage, it’s more likely that Strauss would be classified as a GILF rather than a MILF.” Spencer supplies happily and Garcia lets out a cry of delighted laughter at the response. Emily’s grin only grows, while Derek merely facepalms.

“I’m not sure I want to know, but I have to ask anyway...” he sighs, turning in his seat to face Reid at the back of the plane. “What’s a GILF, kid?” He asks obligingly as Hotch grows more red by the second.

“Grandma I’d Like to Fuck.” Reid smirks which sends Garcia, JJ, Emily, and Derek into an admittedly immature fit of hysterical laughter. Emily can see their Unit Chief bury his flustered face even deeper into his open file.

“I mean she’s not *that* old,” JJ finally admits after calming herself down from her laughter. “But she’s too...uptight to be a MILF. She’s like Mrs. Doubtfire.” She quips, sending Emily and Garcia into another fit of giggles at the mental image. 

“I think she’s got potential,” Derek chuckles, obviously playing along now. “Nothing a little makeover can’t fix.” He snorts and Garcia is quick to join in.

“Oh! We could reenact that scene from Pretty Woman! Y’know with the hooker and the fancy store?” She references eagerly. Emily swears she hears Hotch choke from behind his case file.

“Age disparity in relationships likely originates from Sigmund Freud’s research in relation to the psychology behind our sex drives. The Freudian take is that the child seeks to connect with the opposite-sex parent, so the male child seeks to connect sexually with the mother-“ Spencer begins, launching into a somehow inappropriate assessment of Emily’s joke prompt. He doesn’t get far in his explanation however.

“Reid.” Hotch admonishes lightly from his seat. His chiding barely deters Spencer, who merely persists eagerly in his explanation.

“What prevents us from seeking the mother is fear of castration from the father, so the MILF fantasy itself could actually be looked at as-“ he continues to explain but is interrupted once more.

“Reid!” Hotch snaps, more firmly this time and Reid quickly quiets down, going back to his book. The rest of the team settles down as well, but it’s only a few moments before the laughter starts back up again.

“Do you think Reid’s afraid of fear of castration by the father?” Derek quips, obviously referencing Hotch as Reid’s father. This time, the deep red blush that covers Hotch’s face matches that of a vine ripe tomato and the remaining agents burst out laughing again. Hotch’s lips spread into a thin line and he retreats back into the words of his report. 

Emily wipes a single tear of joy from her eye, taking so much delight in the pure havoc that her mocking question has caused. However, she quickly turns her attention towards the one eerily silent member of their team.

“Rossi, you’ve been awfully quiet, what do you think?” She asks as the senior profiler stands from his seat and begins to make his way back towards the bathroom. He stops mid-trek however and addresses the group of giggling agents contemplatively. He hesitates before answering with as much candor as possible.

“Take it from me,” he begins, a small smirk appearing on his worn face. “Whether Strauss is a MILF or a GILF or whatever you said...in bed? She’s an absolute *cougar*.” He reveals, effectively silencing them all as their jaws drop open in unabashed shock at his response.

Fortunately for Hotch, the rest of the flight home is spent in dead silence. 

xxx

**Author's Note:**

> hope you enjoyed reading!


End file.
